What’s female energy anyway?

I woke up with a horrific dream today. I was shouting, screaming, or even shrieking at my mother. I was getting dressed for something, and was trying to figure out a particular way I wanted to wear my socks. My mum was only trying to help me, which weirdly made me so mad at her. I screamed at her to leave me alone.

Well, it was only weird if something regular can be labeled as weird.

I hate bad dreams. Dreams have different meanings to each individual. My dreams have occasionally been a product of my passive consciousness. They help me understand and resolve the latent emotions I’d be struggling with. Hence, I have a tendency to try and back-trace my dreams.

I saw a tarot card reader a couple of months back. This was my first time ever. He said many things. One of the things that stuck with me was his description of my relationship with my mother. I quote, “I look at you and I can see you screaming at your mother”. It took me aback. Because it’s true. My relationship with her is complicated. She is the one person that can annoy me to my core. And, she is the person I love most in my life. I don’t want this statement to get diluted under “everyone loves their mother” umbrella. My mother has had a very significant impact in every phase of my life. Her, and my younger sister probably.

Even when I know that she possibly couldn’t have answers for the peculiar situations I put myself in, I ask her still. I ask her even when I can’t frame my questions for her. I call her whenever I am feeling deranged. I have had those moments of “I just want my mumma”.

She says that I am her lifeline. My younger sister is her inspiration, and my elder sister is her soul. Everyone’s gotta be something, right!! I feel like she’s my hidden mirror. She helps me bring out the much-needed string of strength from within me in the most needed and desperate moments. And she does that much by just talking to me, even when she doesn’t know that the level of my fuckness! She’s always my last resort, and she’s always my backup.

Nonetheless, all of this did not discourage me from shouting at her and then apologizing to her. Note the past tense though. I still sometimes get annoyed at her, but I don’t shout at her anymore.

The tarot card reader also said that my male energy is really awesome. Female, however, is quite unstable, which in some ways is connected to my relationship with my mother. In his defense, I am slightly tom boyish. But, it isn’t just that, is it?! I have been thinking about his statement ever since. To begin with, what does he mean by female energy anyway?!

Could it be that my mother is my female energy?

I did some research. Each individual has feminine and masculine energy, regardless of their gender and the aim is to find a balance. My favorite words to describe feminine energy would be: nurturing and dynamic. For the masculine energy: protector and predictable. Think of yourself as a child; the beauty of imagining a child is that you don’t think about its gender. You only think about loving and cuddling the child, ensuring it doesn’t get hurt, extending a hand if it wants to stand up, and cheering it when it falls down..

And now, imagine yourself as the mother as well as the father of that child aka yourself. Cause you are! Use the feminine to treat yourself as your own mother would, loving and caring and pampering. You don’t even have to be fucked for your actual mother to treat you the way that she does; she does it all and always, regardless. You just have to let her.

The masculine energy helps us protect ourselves, fight for what we love and pick the right path even when it’s hard.

I have always struggled with the cogency of fortune-telling avenues, but this was bang-on! Which also makes me wonder if it is really just that easy: the identification of your prominent energy. Your desire to balance the two, however, is the herculean task!

Couple of days back, me and SG were chilling in our balcony. Perfect Goa weather, beautiful wind around us; she looked at me with much love and said, “Myrah, ask. Just ask. You are a woman. Just ask for whatever you want, and you will get it”. So, this is my favorite part! According to all the open internet sources, its accurate too. It’s the feminine energy that employs the law of attraction for us, with no care for the actual feasibility. It’s the magnet.

While I attempt to get more close to my own feminine self, another realization has spiraled a string of new thoughts in my mind: the depth and beauty of a parent-child bond; the importance and the impact parents have for their child and his upbringing, specially the early years! They are the physical sources that manifest as feminine energy and masculine energy within each individual.