A Nudge that Stayed
I stumbled upon this workshop video today, by Rupi Kaur on writing. She’s a poet. I only saw some 10 minutes of it, but therein she asked the viewers to do an exercise by picking up a pen and a paper and, write a letter, to anyone.
I thought of who that person would be for me.. mum, talk about all of our age-old differences? VJ, talk about how close our friendship is to me? My-past/future-self, oh don’t even get me started! And just then, another beautiful name of a beautiful person popped in my head. Vova. I even started writing this letter, before the exercise got weird and she started introducing random words to be included in the letter. Her agenda was to enforce free writing. Write the first thing that pops in your head when she’d say a random word after every 1.5 minutes. I thought that the exercise was pretty interesting.
C’mon, I had to praise her before I move on to my own piece. ;)
So yes, Vova. He’s someone! He’s someone that I got to know for about 5–7 days, I am not even sure; it was about a month back, before he left the country and went back to Ukraine. My favorite part about the time I spent with him is that when I think about him now, it brings me so much joy. His thought never fails to leave a smile on my face! And, sometimes that overwhelming feeling that’s always difficult to describe. Then, I start to ponder about it.. I got to know this person. His brother, Taras; we always seemed to start some very interesting conversations. I think Vova liked it. They were lovely brothers. I was at their apartment when they were doing their final packing. And I asked Vova, “Is your packing done?” He responded, “You know, I have an elder brother”.
I met his friends. I helped him shop for spices and t-shirts for his godson and nephew. I went ecstatic dancing with him. Actually, that’s where I had met him for the first time! He was the second boy I had met at that dance.
We kissed, for the first time, on his last evening here. He kissed me while I was trying to take some selfies with him. He was so gentle. He didn’t do anything wrong. Not even a single slide of his hands. I got to spend a couple of hours with him after this kiss. From the second time that I had met him, we were always in the holding hands vibes. But, those couple of hours were different. They were one of the most love-lived moments of my life. There was so much comfort, ease and it was filled with those assuring and relaxed smiles of just being happy to be around in that moment.
Mind it here, we were not alone during these hours. It was a party! We kissed at his friend’s balcony. He went with one of his friends to grab some beers, while I chatted with his brother and another friend. He came back, we all had beers, we all chatted more. Smoked some weed.. he’d always pass the joint to me first. We held hands once in a while, while we communicated with the rest of the company, we caressed each other on the cheeks, shoulders.. the two of us went to drop his rental bike. We had to wait in this deserted parking lot for like 10 minutes. We just stood there, in the middle of darkness, comfortable of the space, and sometimes no space, between us. I had a feeling of warmth across my heart all this while, and probably a wide smile plastered on my face!
I still think about it though.. about what was it? What it meant for me then? What will it mean for me forever? It happened, and then it stopped happening. But it fit. The world didn’t stop when I met him, it sure didn’t stop when he left. I feel that’s the best part. It was rythmed in my life.
He wears an angel around his neck; his mum had given it to him.
I watched sunsets with him..
I always knew that he’s going to leave in the next 6 days or so. Somehow, that information wasn’t important for me at all. I was drifting. I was flowing with whatever pleasant came towards me. I am not even sure of the name I’d prefer addressing him with. His name is Volodymyr, people call him Vova. We still chat on the phone, video chat sometimes, send each other love, talk about our days. These calls and chats are decreasing by the day though.
It wasn’t love. But it was sweet.
It wasn’t a chase. But it had rush.
It was strange, but it was familiar.
I remember the first time we met. I was dancing. Our eyes had met a couple of times. Towards the end of the session, right before the still music began, he drifted towards me and asked my name. I told him my name, he told me that I danced really good, and then we continued dancing. Towards the end of the still music, he held me and stood and grooved there for some minutes. Disclaimer: it wasn’t anything weird, that’s how it sometimes goes in ecstatic dancing. It wasn’t anything physical or sexual either. It was just a soft nudge that stayed, till the music stopped.
I don’t know how long will it take for me to forget all these details and for it to become a mere fragment of my memory, but I hope to always count this beautiful experience when I make my list of gratitudes.
I don’t know if I will ever meet him again. I am sure, though, that it’ll be beautiful, like a bundle of bright yellow sunflowers.
